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29/3/2019

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──我想讓所有事情看起來都合情合理,這樣我們都能得到幸福,沒錯,我們就不用緊張了。我編了謊話,所以他們都很高興,於是我把這個悲慘世界變成了一座樂園。

  試著寫下最近常覺得痛苦所想的事,痛苦似乎有很多層面,對家人不滿,想念在外生活的時光;跟人相處時經常感受與放大一些細節,發現一些關係不再像過去親密而感到恐懼、自卑;對於自己總是抱有被丟棄和無法掌握現狀的不安感到憤怒與可悲。雖然並沒有真的想死,但時常想著自己沒有什麼特別與重要之處,好不想造成任何人的麻煩,即使我理智上知道人活著就是會持續彼此帶來麻煩,還是希望有天可以消失到遠方去,有時也默默地規劃著自己的葬禮,彷彿只要這麼想,就能真正這麼做似的。很小的時候,曾讀到大象會預知自己的死期,在那之前會躲入無人之境,默默地不讓人知道自己去了哪裡,默默地不成為誰的負擔,那時就覺得好羨慕。

過30歲生日前我寫下了遺囑,希望死後有人可以帶走我的物品重新使用,可以把能用的器官交給需要的人,然後希望不要再有來世,我想成為水與大氣,如果有人想起我,我就在你身邊,如果忘記了也沒有關係,有時候我們就是需要忘了才能真正地重新再會啊。

我不害怕孤單嗎,我當然怕,但有時為了不傷害誰,即使活著覺得孤單也害怕到說不出口,只好騙自己說你不孤單,如同大家都說好怕死去的人感到孤單,但其實那時我們才能真正不再害怕吧。這麼真實又充滿謊言,說起來人生的確就是在帶著悲慘色彩的樂園裡玩著各種遊戲,最近大概是火山歷險,在被沖下時我一定會大叫,隔壁的人如果也很害怕,我想牽起他的手坦然說,我也一樣害怕,我們一起大叫吧。
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